Why I Chose Life
Long After Surviving a Suicide Attempt
I was 18 years old and had sent in applications to three private colleges and a safety school. But I didn’t see myself there. I didn’t see myself anywhere. I wanted to vanish.
Sometimes I sat in my prestigious school with all my genius classmates and just tried to make myself disappear, molecule by molecule. I usually only succeeded with my hair; chopping it off various times to make myself feel smaller or less visible.
I went from passively suicidal to actively suicidal in a matter of minutes.
I never told anyone how much I thought about suicide. I grew up going to Catholic Church, and I believed it was one of those big unforgivable sins that blackened your soul for eternity. For years I told my therapists that even though I was depressed, they didn’t need to worry about suicide. As much as I thought about it, I didn’t believe I would ever actually do it.
Then, my belief changed.
