Member-only story
Contemplating Parenthood
What are the right reasons?
The first time my mom and sister were pregnant at the same time was confusing for me. I was 12 years old, and it appeared anyone could wake up one day with a baby in their belly.
I started sliding my hand up my shirt to check my pudgy bulge to make sure it wasn’t turning smooth, hard, and round like my mom and sister.
That was the first time I decided I didn’t want kids. I didn’t want that to happen to my body. It had been through enough already.
Two years later, it happened again; my mom and sister both growing bulges. This time I knew more about what caused it, and I was utterly grossed out. I knew I was never doing that, yuck. And therefore I would never have a baby. Problem solved, mystery avoided.
Getting Pregnant
Four years after that, it was me holding my tummy and imagining the tiny life inside. I hadn’t wanted to give birth, but now that part seemed worth giving life to a child. As much love as I felt growing, I wasn’t ready to be a parent at 18. I researched adoption. Unfortunately, I never got the chance to see what it was like to get huge and give birth. I never found out if I would have been able to hand my child over to adoptive parents. I had a miscarriage and decided; I’m a horrible mother.
